Welcome to the start of another new blog. This is my random 'thought dump', so it will be a bit of a jumble. Anything that happens to be on my mind at the moment will end up here. I'll probably write a lot about my parents, my "marriage", and other woes. Maybe some current events, some pop-culture, and even some politics. I use humour as a coping mechanism, so hopefully some of it should be kind of funny. Boring stuff for anyone but me, I imagine.
I am the child of an overbearing, textbook naricissistic mother, and an - absent as often as he could manage - co-dependent, flying monkey of a father. I was trained and groomed right from the start to bend to my mother's will, no matter what. My dad insisted that we always let her have her way because it made his life more comfortable. This meant that she stormed through all aspects of our lives like a spoiled, petty, nosy toddler - and there was nothing we could do about it. If push came to shove (which it literally did on occasion), my dad would back her up and make us do as she wished. Every time.
This led to feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and eventually, rage. Never being able to stand up for yourself, not being allowed to have boundaries to protect yourself, having no recourse for pain and frustration - these truths tore away any chance of well-being, inner peace, or stability. I grew up constantly being invalidated, disregarded, and dismissed. After a lifetime of this, I struggle to move forward in life. I feel stuck and immobilized.
After being programmed and groomed by my parents, it's no surprise that I ended up rushed into a marriage with a big, hairy version of my mother. He was so lovely at first that I could hardly believe my luck. It was like a fairy tale romance, but it was as fictional as a fairy tale, too. He wore, not just a mask, but a full costume. He played the part of a nice, attentive, thoughtful sweetheart. But once we were married, all that disappeared. The costume came off and I was trapped in a nightmare that I couldn't get out of.
My day to day existence has been about coping, surviving, and trying to retain some sense of who I actually am. I will not give up on myself. I see clearly now how all of this happened. I understand my part in it and how I unconsciously allowed myself to be sucked in by this predator. I desperately want out, but until I can make that happen, I try to protect myself and my energy. It's no way to live and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Okay, that's a start. I'll delve more deeply into specifics in future blogs. This is really just a journal for my own purposes as I don't expect anyone else to ever read this. But it's a way of recording and, hopefully, releasing the pain.
